


I Don't Wanna Go Home

by zirkkun



Series: Various Rant Fics [3]
Category: Undertale (Video Game)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Comfort/Angst, Crying, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Family Issues, Flashbacks, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Found Family, Gender-Neutral Pronouns, Hurt/Comfort, Other, POV First Person, Past Abuse, Post-Undertale Pacifist Route, Rant Fic, Self Confidence Issues, Trust Issues, Undertale Monsters on the Surface, Verbal Abuse, gender neutral reader, uncensored hand holding oh heck, vent fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-03
Updated: 2021-03-03
Packaged: 2021-03-16 20:08:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,577
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29830254
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zirkkun/pseuds/zirkkun
Summary: "Get up, you drama queen."I heard the words echo in my head as I could feel myself start to cry. The tears were choking back as the phrase cycled over and over, filtering into humiliating laughter.
Relationships: Papyrus (Undertale) & Reader, Sans (Undertale)/Reader
Series: Various Rant Fics [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1990828
Comments: 2
Kudos: 24





	I Don't Wanna Go Home

I didn't even care that I kicked down the door. Did I expect myself to have that kind of strength to break it straight off of the hinges? Absolutely not, especially since I usually can't even so much as lift 40 kilograms. I went from not caring to a very brief phase of pride... followed by the overload of guilt and annoyance just overloading my entire body and mind as I gave up and collapsed to my knees.

_ Get up, you drama queen. _

I heard the words echo in my head as I could feel myself start to cry. The tears were choking back as the phrase cycled over and over, filtering into humiliating laughter.

_ Stop crying. I'm only teasing. _

But still the words sliced at me like knives.

_ They can only hurt if you let them, _ a voice tried to tell me as it tried to slit the blade of its lies into my throat.

But it was stopped before it could go any further.

"whoa, hey, are you ok?"

I glanced up. I felt almost... embarrassed to see him. I'd come here because I wanted to talk... but I was still embarrassed to bring it up. It was still humiliating that I felt the reason to cry about this. It felt humiliating to cry at all. I didn't want to say anything. This was petty to be worried about. A useless waste of my time. There's nothing I can do about it. It's not that big of a deal.

"hey, c'mon, ya don't have to sit on the ground you know. let's sit on the couch, ok?"

His eyelights offered their gentle glow to me, hazed out from my vision due to the tears blurring my eyesight. A rush of anxiety flowed throughout my entire body as I felt the need to turn around and leave... despite the fact I came here to talk to him in the first place. His hand was cautiously held out to me as I froze up entirely. I didn't reach for it.

"But... Sans, the door..."

I spoke, my voice squeaking and quiet for fear of his response. Hundreds of lines I'd heard thousands of times from other people flew through my mind in anxious anticipation, fear sliding down my spine.

_ Yeah. That's gonna be fucking expensive to fix. _

_ Why the fuck did you do that? We don't have that kind of money! _

_ Do you want me to slap you for pulling a stunt like that? _

_ You're going to have to pay for it. I hope you know that. _

_ Go the fuck away before I hit you. _

But...

He just shook his head. "nevermind that. we'll worry about it later. there's bigger issues at hand."

"N... no, not really --"

"yes, really." His tone had not changed despite the fact he decided to cut my sentence short. "we don't have to sit on the couch if you don't wanna, but you don't have to worry about the door."

I didn't want to. I didn't feel deserving of it. I came here to  _ bother _ him in the first place, and on top of that got so angry I accidentally broke his door. The dirt-ridden doorstep is where I belonged.

"..."

I didn't know what to say. I didn't want to start saying anything.

I really just came and broke his door for no reason, didn't I?

His hand briefly touched my shoulder for a moment before I smacked it away without even realizing what I was doing. I just stared at him, wide-eyed and expecting the worst.

_ How dare you? _

_ What the fuck is wrong with you? Calm down. _

_ Why the hell would you do that? I just wanted to hold your hand. _

But...

"sorry. my bad."

He didn't say anything else.

Sans crept down to the floor... sitting on the dirty rug next to me. I almost jolted immediately... even though I shouldn't have. Why? Why did I want to run away? I should be comfortable around the people I love. Why am I so scared...?

I came here to talk to him. But why him, specifically...?

_ What makes him so special? _

_ You can talk to me, too, you know. _

_ Why do you never tell me what's wrong when I ask you? _

_ Why do you only talk to your friends about this? _

I held my arms around myself as I felt myself shivering, nails gripping into my forearms as the  _ "drama queen" _ line repeated again and again. I wanted this to be over with. Please. I wanted to feel anything else. I wanted to be anywhere else. I wanted to hear anything else.

"do you want me to get you a blanket? or a pillow or something? so you can uh... not dig into your arms like that."

I felt a tremble slide down my entire arm. I wanted nothing more than to crawl into a ball and never go anywhere again.

_ Would you quit acting like this? _

I could feel more and more tears streaming down my face as I tried. I couldn't.

_ It's okay. You're just sick. _

But am I? Is that the only problem at bay?

_ I can't believe you'd think such things about me. We can't figure this out until you learn to trust me. _

But I...

"hey, it's gonna be ok. just take a breath. i'm right here for ya."

A stuttered breath that felt more difficult to breathe than anything else caused me to start coughing between my sobs, only causing me to curl up into myself tighter; I could feel my hair brushing against the floor below me for how far over I'd tipped my body.

"I don't..."

The words fell out between breaths before I lost all ability to speak once more, huddling to myself tighter as I started sliding further away from Sans -- scooting away as far and fast as possible. I was somehow terrifyied he'd come running after me, ready to hug me. I... I didn't want that.

I don't know  _ what _ I wanted, though...

"it's ok. you're gonna be ok."

He spoke to me with such concern in his voice and he didn't even have a clue as to what I was even worried about. Why...?

"How do you know...?"

"'cause i'm here for ya, and i'm not about to let it not be."

That got a slight chuckle from me. But I shut myself down as quickly as I started, feeling stupid for even needing to lean to someone else in the first place... feeling stupid to lean to  _ him _ in the first place.

_ Since when are you into skeletons? _

_... your stupid skeleton brothers or whatever. What were their names again? _

_ They're annoying. I don't know how you like them. _

"Sans..."

"yeah, babe?"

"I don't..."

The words started to fall out, but I was far too scared to finish saying them. But I wanted to. I wanted to say  _ something _ ... because I had no where else to turn.

_ You can't be dependent on others. _

_ Would you stop acting like a child? This isn't that big of a deal. _

_ Well, what am I supposed to do about that? It makes me upset! _

_ I can't let you do your own things if you're going to be this childish. _

He didn't say any of that.

Neither of them did.

They'd listen to me.

They've always been here for me.

"... I don't want to live at home anymore."

The words fell out like bombs. The room fell silent and my sobs started to slow in a fear for what would come next.

_ You're not ready for that. _

_ You realize you need a  _ real _ job for that, right? _

_ If you move in with someone, you're just going to burden them like this. _

Maybe I shouldn't have said anything.

Maybe I should have kept my mouth shut.

"M - ... Maybe I'm overreacting, I'm sorry."

"no, you're not. i get it."

He said it with such confidence and clarity... like he wasn't even concerned about the prospect of me moving in.

"But... no... I shouldn't... I'll just bother you guys..."

"nah, ya won't. we like havin' ya around."

From that line alone, my attention was turned to him immediately, although unable to really interpret his expression with my blurred eyesight. It cleared only slightly as tears fell down once more, leaving my eyes free to see the smile across his cheeks.

_ "we like havin' ya around" _ ...

I don't think I've ever heard that so... seriously.

So calmly.

So… not angrily.

If it's said, it's usually in a mocking tone. As if I'm too stupid to know that.

_ What the hell are you talking about? _

_ Of course we love you? We're family? _

The word almost haunts me.

"Family."

I don't know what it means.

I sometimes see people with their families, out having fun on a vacation, or spending time playing games, sometimes just going out for a cheap dinner.

Sometimes I see people post about the shenanigans of their families trying to teach each others' hobbies to each other... and a jealousy quells up inside of me. I could never really place it.

_ I'm sorry. I just don't get it. _

_ I hate these games. Can't we do something else? _

_ Why are you bothered by these crime shows? It's not like it's real. _

_ We're not friends. We never will be. _

I sometimes see people talking with their families no differently than their friends, spending time with them doing things I didn't think parents did...

Sometimes I see people even having parents who love to spend time with their kids and their friends. Parents who enjoy conversation and interaction with their children in a way that isn't only beneficial to them.

_ You shouldn't act that way in public. _

_ You kids these days are just all so stupid. Stuck in your phones and so easily convinced of idiocy. _

_ You'll treat me with respect because I'm the parent. Got it? _

I sometimes see people with... worse situations than mine. Physical abuse. Having to run away. Full control over their lives. Rejection for who they are. And my worries feel invalidated... like, since I have it better than so many people, I shouldn't be complaining.

_ Haha, look at this! Crying because we're  _ good parents _! We should hate you more! _

Sometimes I wish... they wouldn't joke like that.

But I can't ask.

Because we're family. I have to accept them. I have to respect them.

It doesn't really matter what I want.

...

"I can't live at home anymore..."

"sh, it's ok. i get it. ya wanna stay here for the night?" Sans offered immediately. "we'll have to get your stuff another day, it's a bit late now."

"Why...?"

"why what?"

"Why bother with me...?" I hiccuped. "W-why bring a burden like me into your life...?"

"hey, c'mon now, you're not a burden. i'd never think that of ya, neither would pap. just cause you're not in a good place doesn't make you a burden."

_ I can't deal with this. _

"Are you... sure...?"

_ Why can't you just do this? It takes two seconds. It's not that hard. _

_ Do you really need me to do this for you? _

_ You're old enough now. You're an adult. You need to stop acting like this. _

"yeah, positive."

I hiccuped another breath. I bit my lip as I tried to smile, my tears only forcing my expression back into a violent frown. Every part of me wanted another confirmation. Another "okay."

Wanted to give another reason why I'd be an annoyance. Wanted to give another reason to ignore me.

... every part of me wanted to give up and keep going normally.

Others have it worse. It's not that bad. I don't need help.

"hey."

His voice snapped me back.

"it's ok, really."

Another "Are you sure?" echoed in despair.

"you can just stay for the night if ya want. no pressure. but ya look like you need a break from home at least."

I sat upright a bit more, practically pawing the ground as I crept closer to him again. I tried holding a hand out to him, too awkward to ask any louder for a hug. He only half got the gesture by taking my hand into his own... but it still helped. I gripped it tightly. He returned the gesture.

"I'm so sorry," I wept.

"nah, don't worry about it. you're doin' fine."

"No... I'm..."

"'sides, who would I be to deny hangin' out with my datemate for a day?" Sans smirked playfully. "doesn't really matter the reason to me. even if it's just cheerin' you up from a rough time back home."

I just wanted to ask "why?" again, but that game could be looped infinitely.

"I...

"... I love you so much..."

The words just fell out on their own.

I hadn't even intended for them to.

But it felt nice to... say that with meaning. To really mean that.

"love you, too," he whispered back to me. "always gonna, too."

A slight chuckle slipped passed my throat. I smiled a bit, tears still dripping every now and then down my cheek.

"You barely did anything and yet..."

"heh, what, am I that good?" He gave my hand a reassuring squeeze as I laughed slightly once more. "or maybe you really just need a break from home, y'know?"

"I... do," I admitted. "I want to leave so badly..."

"we've always got a spot open for ya."

"But... I don't... do much... I can't keep a job without being worn to pieces... I can't keep a simple room clean... I can't..."

"no worries. that's what we're here for."

"N... no... I shouldn't make you do everything... I can do it, I can, it's just that I don't...  _ want _ to...? I don't... I don't wanna burden you... please, don't..."

"sh, sh, hey, you're not a burden. 've told ya that and i'm always gonna believe it. sometimes ya just can't do stuff the same as other people, ok? that's it's own kinda normal. you don't hafta do everything alone. you've got pap and i."

"But you don't..." I let my voice fade into nothing.

"it's ok," he whispered. "you don't have to do it alone. sure, i don't have to help, either, but i want to. if you're in need, i'll be there for ya."

I gripped his hand tighter.

For a moment, I tensed.

Footsteps were approaching the doorframe. I couldn't hide.

But, as it turned out, it was only Papyrus. Upon seeing his brother and I on the floor, he immediately sat down on the floorboards just outside of the doorframe. I tried to offer a smile, but I was just embarrassed again, and rather, averted my gaze.

"Is Everything Alright?" Papyrus asked, his voice much softer than it typically was. I don't know if he was asking me or Sans.

But when Sans didn't answer him... I figured I may as well talk.

"... I don't want to go home."

Silence.

I gripped Sans's hand tighter.

I thought he'd be mad at me.

Oh God, he hadn't even noticed the door yet.

I loosened my grip again.

Best not anger him too.

...

"OH! DO YOU WANNA BE ROOMMATES??"

My heart skipped a beat, but I wasn't sure if it was in fear or excitement.

"heh, see, told ya paps would be ok with it," Sans confimed.

But I just started crying again.

"H-HUH?! H-HUMAN, ARE YOU OKAY??"

"Y-yeah," I croaked. A laugh slipped by.

"I just...

"...

"I'm really glad I can call you guys my family."

**Author's Note:**

> so yeah yet another rant fic  
> been... not in a great position lately lol. All the italicized lines are... actually based off of things my family has said to me before. I really want to move out lol. I've had a friend offer, but the moment I brought it up to my parents, they immediately knocked it down and i've already lost the confidence to do so. so i've still been debating
> 
> these boys have rlly been helping me through this past year a lot as i slowly realize all of this stuff lmao


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